Pastor’s Table Blog

Non-Resilient Relationships

How are relationships doing? Is our world marked by resilient love? While there are pockets of encouragement, I suspect most of us know people in at least three categories: (1) Broken Marriages. Now, I do need to add a caveat here: while divorce is an undesirable thing, there are challenging scenarios, such as abuse and abandonment, that must be addressed. The enemy would love nothing better than to wreck your marriage. Do you know the average length of a marriage in America today? In 2023 the average age of marriage was 32, and the national average of marriage length was 8.2 years. 8.2 years—your just getting started! Why are marriages less resilient? (2) Canceled Friends. Do you know how many conversations I’ve had with people who have lost friendships, or been blocked on social media by their “friends?” Quite a few. Why are our friendships less resilient? (3) Prodigal Kids. There is a growing phenomenon of kids wanting to cut off ties with their parents. This is extremely painful. Imagine losing a relationship with the child you invested so many years raising. Why does this happen? Is it possible we’ve been influenced by this romantic comedy-esque world where relationships must be “picture perfect” or we end them?

Why are we not resilient? I think there are at least three predators swimming in the culture waters that contribute to this problem.

First, contracts. Our culture has developed a contractual view of relationships. These are often unwritten contracts—but we have expectations for our romantic partner, our friends, and even family members. Once those people stop contributing to our happiness … the contract is broken and the relationship must end.

Second, conflicts. It might seem obvious that conflicts contribute to strained relationships—but the problem is that we don’t know how to weather conflicts. This is what we’ve been covering in our Peacemakers Course on Sunday morning at 9:00am. We don’t know how to disagree, without being disagreeable. We don’t know how to set boundaries. When the relational terrain gets murky, it is much easier to hit the cancel button than work it out in love.

Finally, conceit. I would argue that conceit, above all else, is the death of resilient relationships. This has been a recurring theme in 2nd Corinthians. Paul spent several chapters confronting the problem of “boasting.” A conceited person is often a selfish person. Conceit is the foundation for contracts and conflicts. It’s all about me! My needs, my viewpoint, my happiness! Contract, conflicts and conceit … they kill resilient love!

This is a modern problem, and it is an ancient problem. This is what Paul confronts in 2 Corinthians 12 and 13 as he closes the letter. Paul has opened his heart to these people he loves—his spiritual children. He wants relationship with them … over the long term. So … he concludes by outlining the marks of resilient love fueled by the Gospel. He writes this in 12:15,

I will gladly spend myself and all I have for you, even though it seems that the more I love you, the less you love me.  (2 Corinthians 12:15, NLT)

This is Paul’s heart. Even though the Corinthians have questioned his authority, even though they have turned their backs on Jesus at times … he still loves them! There were plenty of conflicts and lots of conceit in the Corinthian church. Maybe their relationship with Paul was contractual. Paul didn’t see it that way. He would do anything for them! His love was resilient—and he wants the same in return.

Resilient Love Builds The Body

What are the marks of resilient love? First, resilient love seeks to build the body. But to build the body of Christ ... sometimes that resilient love needs to weather a storm. I want to challenge us all, including myself—make a choice to BUILD the body of Christ and not TEAR it down. Say this with me:

I choose to BUILD the body ... I refuse to TEAR DOWN the body.

It might be helpful to think of the church as a SAND CASTLE. When was the last time you built a sand castle? How long did it take? All afternoon! You had to work hard to craft the towers, to dig out the moat, to fortify the walls. It takes a long time to build a sand castle. But, what you didn’t notice while you were building ... is the tide started to come in. And in a flash ... the sand castle is destroyed. Or in another scenario, some kids playing on the sand can run through your castle and destroy it instantly—anyone??

Similarly, it takes a lot of time and effort to build a healthy church ... but it doesn’t take much to destroy the church if you are not watching. In Paul’s situation—it was gossip; it was words. What does James warn us about?

Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell [...] no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. (James 3:5-10, NLT)

Friends, you can spend years, decades building a healthy church ... and it only takes the spark of a tongue to start a wildfire that tears it down. Churches have been demolished by the tongue.

DECIDE TODAY: will you be on the Building Team ... or the Demolition Team?

Are you building? You will be marked by the truth of the Gospel and resilient love.

Are you tearing down? You will be marked by the Lies, Gossip and Licentious living that Paul describes.

Resilient Love Confronts The Sinner

In chapter 13 of 2 Corinthians, Paul presses in on the theme of confrontation. I’d like to offer two categories of confrontation for you to consider. First, people can confront with CRITICISM. We don’t like something someone said or did … we criticize them. Some of us have a critical spirit—and we confront harshly. Criticism often tears people down. But there is a second, better way to confront: CRITIQUE. When someone critiques you, they do it out of a heart posture of love. They want to push you to be better. Criticism tears down … but critique seeks to build up.

The truth is—most churches are not good at confronting people in their sin. But genuine, resilient love includes confronting sin. As Christians, we think we need to be nice. We’ll shake our heads behind people’s backs, but then smile at them to their face. Paul says, “NO! That is not what resilient love looks like!” Resilient love breaks your heart for the sins of others because you care about them. As such—you will lovingly confront them for their good.

Paul gets serious in 13:1-2,

This is the third time I am coming to you. Every charge must be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. I warned those who sinned before and all the others, and I warn them now while absent, as I did when present on my second visit, that if I come again I will not spare them. (2 Corinthians 13:1-2, ESV)

“I will not spare them.” Wow! Ok Paul, we heard you—shots fired! However, I want us to recognize the unrepentant sin is a big deal. When Jesus entered Jerusalem during the final week, he eventually made his way to the temple. He had been warning the people of Israel to turn from their ways and not desecrate the temple. But they did not repent ... and Jesus started to flip over tables.

Resilient love confronts the sinner. This is challenging for many Christians. We don’t like to confront. We think we’ll lose friendships ... or it will become awkward. It might be ... but this should not stop us from doing the right thing. In point #1, we had a choice to build up the body or tear it down. Here, we have another choice: will we avoid the problem ... or confront it? I imagine if I polled the audience, there would be a divide between avoiders and confronters. I won’t ask for a show of hands, but I do want you to consider:

Am I an avoider ... or a confronter?

Avoidance can be marked by passive agressive tendencies—we make light of problems, we hint at problems, or we give peopel the silent treatment. Avoidance is a problem ... because it doesn’t bring the problem into the light. It is actually not very loving and can ultimately lead to distrust. Confrotation can also be misused when done callously or too often—but when used properly it leads to great health.

Resilient Love Is Saturated With Exhortation

Resilient love is saturated with exhortation! Think about saturation for a moment …

What is the difference between a sponge and a brick? If you were leave both on your driveway in a rain storm what would happen? The sponge would absorb all the water and be dripping wet. You would have to wring it out—water would gush from it. The brick? It would resist all the water. Friends, resilient love is like the sponge … it is saturated, it is dripping with exhortation.

Exhortation is a specific form of encouragement. I could also say, “resilient love is saturated with encouragement.” We need more encouragement in this world. There are a few people in our church I know who love to encourage—they are dripping with encouragement. You’ve probably received a kind word, a text message, or a big hug from these people. We need to model them. If you want someone to know you love them—encourage them! Exhortation is a little broader—“it is speech that encourages, incites, or earnestly advises.” Put another way—exhortation is a call to action!

Paul concludes with five exhortations:

Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11, ESV)

Do you see what I mean? Resilient love is saturated with exhortation. Paul is encouraging them … but he is inciting them to action. He could only get to this point because he addressed all the hard realities first. This is his whole reason for writing the letter. What should they do?

First, REJOICE! It could be translated—“be happy” or “cheer up!” This is a bit of a left hand turn at the end. Paul just spent most of chapter 13 delivering warnings to the church … but to conclude he says, “cheer up … it will be alright.” And this is true no matter what we are walking through.

Second, AIM FOR RESTORATION. What does that mean? A better translation is “mend your ways.” This fits better with what Paul argues in 13:5-8. The Corinthians need to make sure that their life actions match their beliefs.

Third, COMFORT ONE ANOTHER. After chapter 12-13 this is an astonishing exhortation. How can they receive comfort knowing their sin will be exposed? But God has done the same thing for Paul in the past and he is trusting in God’s grace and mercy here.

Fourth, AGREE WITH ONE ANOTHER. This means, “be of one mind.” The idea is that of unity. The Corinthian church was plagued by factions and quarrels. Paul is calling for unity and for the Corinthians to encourage one another toward this end.

Fifth, LIVE IN PEACE. This goes long with the call for unity. If the church cannot live in peace, we will not be attractive to the world and will hurt our witness. This is what Paul is calling for.

As the church lives out those exhortations … the God of love and peace will be with you. And that is good news, even during troubled times.